When I was a teen I was outspoken, fun, adventurous, outgoing, and just goofy. Always willing to do something fun, never wanting to sit still, constantly on the go with friends, Does that familiar?
I was definitely very active in those days. As a kid you don’t analyze much about life, you live in the moment, right? I even remember trying to make things to sell. I would sell painted shells on the corner to make money in addition to selling lemonade.
Where did that kid go? Have you asked yourself that question?
Life gets in the way and if you don’t stay honest with yourself you start to lose your voice and your identity.
I am here to say to myself and to anyone who is listening,
“You are worth fighting for!”
“You deserve to be heard!”
“You deserve happiness!”
” You deserve to live life the way you want to live it!”
“It’s your choice and only yours!”
If you did settle, and you did lose your voice, now is the time to take it back.
You deserve to live your life the way God intended you too!
So this is me taking it back and sharing my journey. I am tired of settling, I am tired of taking crap from other people, I am tired of not doing things for me. I am tired of protecting everyone else’s feelings when no one protected me. I am just tired of catering to everyone else’s needs and wants only to leave mine on the back burner.
People who know me would never think I was the type of person to live with verbal or physical abuse. But I did. I allowed it for many years. I justified it in a way that kept me in the relationship hoping that things would change. It was over thirty years of on and off abuse. I left many times only to go back in the relationship. I loved this person or so I thought. I kept thinking things would change but it never did. There were times that were good but there were extremely ugly times.
So why did I remain in that situation? Good question. I lost my voice! I did not stand up for myself instead I just continued to block the blows. When you hear the same negative comments about you, you start to believe it. I truly believed that this was it for me. I deserved nothing better. No one else can love me and if I left I would be hunted down. So I would say to myself no sense in running he will find me. He was lost in his alcohol disease. If I could get him to stop then we could have a good life. I learned that I could not help him I could only help myself. That is when I realized I too had issues and need help. I will share that journey with you later.
I can say today that I am getting my voice back. I left him over 9 years ago and it is a work in progress. I have done a lot of recovery work this far and so much more to do. There is so much still embedded in my brain that I need to rewire but bottom line is I’m out of a toxic lifestyle and finally able to breathe. Most of all I made it out alive! Thank you god!
So yesterday’s post about “Beginnings” come from accepting and letting go. Like I said my past is who I was yesterday and today is who I want to be. I never thought I’d share my dirty laundry but it’s part of my journey, part of helping others know they are not alone.
We all deserve happiness, we all deserve to be heard and the solution is to take back what you lost and run with it!
Once you take back ownership of your choices in life then you can begin to heal. I know healing is something that takes time especially after living in such a toxic environment for so many years. Nine years ago I was lost and broken. Today I’m more comfortable, confident, and more outspoken which means I am getting my voice back.
My journey has led me to this blog so I can share my voice, hoping it will help you find yours.
We all deserve to be happy.