My goal this week was to write each day about feelings I have been experiencing. So I wrote about how to take inventory, finding time for self love, tenacity, comfort zone, and finding balance. Each one of those posts touched me in many ways because those were what I was experiencing. It is a work in progress everyday. I take the time out of each morning to regroup, give my self time to reflect and find the calmness before I start something. It is a habit that I am trying to make part of my morning ritual instead of jumping out of bed running.
I realize that it is a much needed time to reflect on myself and goals. It took me a long time to create the habit of making my bed every morning. Proud to say I achieved that goal and I love going into my room at any time of day to see a made up bed.
Things take time. I know I will have my good days and my bad days. Today is both. It is a good day in a sense that I got a brand new bed that I absolutely love love and it is a bad day because I am in a funk. This depressed feeling came over me when I got home today, so I just slept. It was the day that my body said enough. When that happens I go through a day of sleep and a day of depression. Not sure why they go hand in hand but it affects me in that way. I truly hate feeling like that.
This morning I had a discussion on sanity. What a great topic. To find my sanity I have to let go of the insanity. Speaking about the insanity out loud made me see how I chose to live insanity instead of choosing sanity. Why would anyone do that? What a crazy choice? I allowed myself to justify reasons to remain in that situation. Old feelings of what I lived through was hard enough but actually bringing them to life again was even harder to hear. It still affects me like it happened yesterday.
It goes right back to finding my voice again. If I want to heal I need to share my story but also make sure I share how I feel today. If I do not talk about it, it goes away but in reality it stays bottled up. Its not like I want to keep talking about it over and over again. Talking about it once is good enough. But in all honesty I really never did tell my story in detail. I guess I wasn’t ready. However, I do believe that I need to release it from me so I can start my healing process.
Why does anyone need to live in fear? For me I chalked it up to this is my life. The only option I have is to accept and deal with it the best way i could. Well that is a shitty feeling. We do have a choice sanity or insanity! I know what living in insanity is like now and I want to return it to sender. I do not want that life anymore. I will not allow myself to keep living in it. So on that note I want to choose to live in sanity.
The only person I point blame on is myself for continuing to make poor choices. I realized I played a big roll in that relationship and I wasn’t helping anyone by sticking around. We deserve happiness. We do not deserve abuse. The only person that can give you happiness is yourself. If you are in an abusive relationship you need to dig deep and define what sanity is to you. And go grab it. Even though it has been years it is a slow process to find your sanity. But it is so worth the work. Yes you will go through some major emotional days but they start becoming less over time. Yes you will have good days and bad but doesn’t everyone. It is just some people know how to hide it better. If you think about it we hide our feelings the best when we live in insanity. So why would we want to hide anymore. We need to scream from the rooftops and be honest with ourselves and others.
I have been slowing working on myself and some days are great, others good, and others not so much. I am accepting the process. And today even though I am in a funk I am laying down on a brand new bed embracing my downtime. I know I will snap out of it. For tomorrow is a new day and today I give myself permission to rest.